Happy Easter, Fuckers!
There are certain people who come into your life, and leave a mark. Their place in your heart is tender; a bruise of longing, a pulse of unfinished business. Just hearing their names pushes and pulls at you in a hundred ways, and when you try to define those hundred ways, describe them even to yourself, words are useless.
2013 Fat Cleanse
First picture - Not only can I fit into a man’s belt, I’m almost on the last hole. This belt belongs to a tall and skinny man so I guess it’s not THAT bad…yeah, I’m gonna keep telling myself that.
Second picture - the cleanse I’m currently doing. Affordable & from Whole Foods. I was expecting explosive diarrhea, but none of that yet. Will let you know the results.
Thanks to the Ass Master for this!
Relationships in Review - 2012. 20 things.
SO here are some things I learned about men this year:
1. guys are more willing to sext naked penis pictures than I thought. Or maybe I just appear very trustworthy…
2. a good majority of married men are slime balls. at my age, a large majority of these folks fall into the category of people who feel pressured to get married & settle down because it’s “the right thing to do”. Ergo, these men are usually not happy with their boring “wife material” wives and look elsewhere for their excitement. aka women like me.
3. most men from the UK & Ireland are not circumcised. You know this in the back of your mind, as they are European, but you may forget and then it dawns on you. This will result in some frantic, last minute Goggling on the iPhone to avoid a disaster.
4. I happen to love foreskin. and a nice low-cut boxer brief.
5. even if you think a married man is dead sexy, don’t do it. The wife always finds out & sends a nasty email.
6. not all tall & skinny men are created equal.
7. STILL at age 29, when a male friend starts dating someone, it’s like you no longer exist cause lord forbid an adult male has female friends.
8. you can have an assload of chest hair and absolutely no back hair. Thank the sweet baby Jesus! (said the non-christian)
9. building on that - I am now OK with chest hair, in fact I find manscaping repulsive.
10. sometimes the person who looks the worst on paper & most irrational is actually the best choice.
11. I can only be with someone funnier than me. that’s a hard task to live up to.
12. as fun as rockstars can be - don’t date a musician who is just starting out. it’s really hard for new bands to make money. ask a man his address, then do a search for real estate comparables, do any currency exchange math if needed and see what you’re really working with.
13. I don’t mind long distance situations. I think amazing nights that are few and far between are far superior of constant mediocracy.
14. if you are about to do something naughty, accept it and take it for what it is. if you can recognize that nothing substantial will come out of it, it will nix the hurt and you will be able to look back on it as fun.
15. don’t take the easy road and date someone because they remind you of the person who has your heart. put in the work and go get the real thing!
16. a man can develop a little rash on his belly caused by friction of the belt and the chest hair. This is not - and I repeat NOT - herpes.
17. It still amazes me that one of my exes is a functioning drug user with a great job & live in girlfriend that he successfully cheats on. Is it wrong that I’m semi-impressed by this?
18. if you are lonely & think you’re going to fill a void by going to a fancy hotel room with a random tall & skinny, you’re not. going through the motions just doesn’t cut the mustard.
19. Being nervous about a certain guy seeing you naked is the best diet I’ve ever been on.
and last but not least…
20. I have to 100% disagree with Ana Steel - Ben Wa Balls SUCK!!!!!!
Thank you and goodnight.